Beebee

I guess Tuesdays just aren’t very fun when I know I haven’t done what I’m supposed to be doing. Usually, I’m very excited about going to my WW meeting on Tuesday night, but I haven’t been lately. Probably because I know I probably gained again this week, and I don’t want to face up to it yet. The battery is dead in my scale, my cupboards are bare (still haven’t got those groceries yet), and I guess I’m just depressed and having a difficult time caring right now. I know it will be better after I have a place to live. Right now, emotions are ruling and logic is out the window. Food doesn’t solve emotional pain, but I’m having a hard time with old habits right now.

Ya all are amazing, caring people. Thank you so much for your responses to my post yesterday. I appreciate every word probably more than you will ever know. I did make it through the day, but I must say that it has been one of my rougher, weaker days lately. I still don’t know how things are going to turn out with hubby, but I’ll try to keep you all posted. Right now, I’m focusing on my children and establishing a steady life for them. They too have been deeply hurt over all of this. They were just coming to the point of trusting him to be there for them as a parent (step).

Ok, I did go to my WW meeting last night. It was just as bad as I feared. I gained 4 lbs over the week. Ouch! I’m vowing to get things under better control though. I blame part of that gain on my bad fluxuations too though. I wasn’t eating when he first left. The second week, I was forcing myself to eat. Then this last week, something snapped in me and it was a two-fisted eating thing for days. Oh well, I guess live and learn.

I’m headed to the grocery store after work today. I have been trying to hold onto every nickle lately, so I haven’t bought groceries in quite some time now. We all know that it isn’t the best on weight loss to be scraping together meals from empty cupboards. Time to stock up on the good stuff I think. I know it will do me good to focus on something else for awhile anyway!! Back to focusing on ME!

I want to thank you all again. You all rock! A lot of very sensitive things were shared with me that I’m sure still hurt a lot of you. All of it in effort to help me and support me in my difficult time. Thank you!!

Well, I guess I’m going to ramble on here for a few minutes. Those of you who read, thank you, and I apologize for the lack of direction right from the start. I’m in WW and I weigh in today which for the first time, I’m very nervous about. Yesterday, I found out that my hubby is moving out of his gf’s house and into his mother’s house. I know I haven’t mentioned the “other woman” so far, but there is one. I didn’t realize that this change was going to affect me nearly as much as it has. It has been devestating that he walked out on us 2 weeks ago for another woman (and whatever other “reasons” are going through his head), but in some ways this is messing with me even worse. He hasn’t talked to me hardly at all since he left. I don’t know if he is going to want to work things out. I don’t know if I’m going to want to either. I don’t know if it even can be worked out. On top of all of this, I still don’t have a place to move to. That is stressing me out big time. I just want to move and start getting settled before school starts in 3 weeks. It isn’t going to happen.

For the first time since all of this has been happening, I ate, and ate, and ate. I’m so mad at myself because I KNOW better!! I’m probably going to see a gain tonight at WW for the first time since I started 9 weeks ago. That makes me so mad at myself! I understand that I eat when I’m stressed, and I’ve certainly had a large helping of stress lately!! Life is going to continue to be stressful for a long time yet, and I cannot give up on getting this weight off just because life is happening! Now it is even more important to me than ever that I maintain control of my eating and my life. My kids are counting on just me now, and I have to be there now and for a long long time.

I keep telling my mom to suck it up and go to the meeting even if she knows she has gained. I have already heard my words returned to me this time! I guess it is time to suck it up and do it anyway. I will take the hit on my outstanding record, but then it is time to move on and get busy losing again. I only have myself to blame for not doing my very best. I definitely didn’t do my part this week. Hopefully, the scale doesn’t punish me too badly tonight!!

Well, maybe it is too late for my sanity. Just when I think it can’t get much worse, it does. I’ve been desperately trying to find a place for me and my 4 kids to live. So far, no luck. The place I’m staying right now is too high in rent and utilities. I might be able to pull it off for one more month, but I’ll sink my boat if I stay any longer than that. I have no savings, and there are no rentals in this town available. My folks thought maybe I could get gov help to buy a home since I’m a low income w/ children now. Nope. Not until the divorce is done, and maybe not then neither. No bond money available to help with closing costs. I guess that route has been shut down too. I’m not sure what the answers are anymore, or where to find them. I’m feeling lost and desperate. My husband couldn’t pick a worse time to leave us.

Well, life is not boring around here. My husband walked out on us on Sunday. I have until the end of the month to find an apt for me and my four kids (one being his and only 2 mos old). If any of you pray, I need them more than I ever have before. That I find a place to live, and can make the right decisions to support my children, and peace for my husband for this decision he has made without any warning. I won’t get into grizzly details because it won’t do me any good anyway. This being a weight loss site, I must say that this is the first time I have ever lost weight without any effort. I dropped 5.5 lbs by Tues and I’ve lost another few since. Fat is melting off me like butter. I am breastfeeding my baby though, and the lack of eating is hard on him. I’m trying to concentrate on eating a little more each day for his sake. I’m currently packing, transfering everything we have joint (checking acct etc.), looking for a place to live, trading vehicles to a more managable one, working full time+, taking care of my baby at home and work, and keeping my teenage son from melting. My other two are with their father in Nebraska, thank God. I know this isn’t what this site is for, but we all know it all ties together, and I need all the support I can get. Thanks gang.

I only have a few minutes, so I’ll have to make this speedy. I have a theory. I think it scares me to be thin and that is why I’m fat. Let’s face it. It isn’t that hard to eat right and exercise. I’ve gotten very close to being under 200 lbs and then I got scared and quit exercising and eating right. Why? I think it scares me to be a skinny person, and if I can get under 200 lbs, there will be no stopping me from hitting my goal. Then what? No one expects a fat chick to look cute and adorable, worry about clothes (they all look like tents anyway). I haven’t been thin since before I had kids 15 yrs ago. That is a long time of avoidance. I don’t know any different anymore. I won’t have any excuses if I don’t have the fat excuse anymore. End of thought. Back to work.

I don’t know if anyone remembers me. It has been quite a few months since I’ve been on this site, but I’m back!! Hopefully, I will be able to find some old faces on here and meet some of the new kids on the block!! Well, when I left this site last, I was pregnant and trying to control my weight gain. Ya right. So I gained 20 lbs over my pregnancy. It’s over now at least, and I’m determined to get back on track. I’ve lost my baby weight plus a couple of pounds since his birth, so watch out.. here I come!!

Some really quick personal info for those of you who are interested. I’ve joined Weight Watchers with my mom. It is a pretty neat program. I’ve lost 11 lbs in 5 weeks. I won’t complain about that. My son, Ethan, was born on May 19th. He is doing very well considering he was so early. He was 4 lbs 7 oz when he is born. He is up to about 7 lbs 12 oz now. I started back to work two days ago, and I’m bringing my son with me to my office. So far, we are managing, but it is rough because this is the busy time of the year in the agriculture business.

I found out over the holiday that fussing baby is definitely a trigger for me to eat.. and eat.. and eat. I guess it is more stressful on my nerves than I thought it was. I’m trying to deal with that now.

My personal challenge for myself this week is to eat two healthy snacks every day. I’m hoping this will help curb my desire to snack on stuff I SHOULDN’T have! My personal challenge last week was to exercise 20 min 3 days a week. I met that one and will continue it this week too. It doesn’t sound like much, but I’m out of practice on juggling a baby in my life, so I’m starting back up slowly!

I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone here and meeting the new faces that have shown up since I last logged in! Hope you are all doing well and having thinner days!!

Well, I heard that dieting is at an all time low this year as a new year’s resolution. Hate to break it to you all, but you just aren’t being fashionable. Actually, that is a lie because what I find here is EXACTLY what the trend is turning towards according to the news clip I heard. People are not vowing to diet this year. They are looking to eat and live healthier lives. Surprised huh? I guess the word is getting out that diets don’t really work. I give buddyslim the credit for getting the word out! I know that it is a daily struggle for most of us here to do what we KNOW is healthy, but everyone keeps trying their very best every day. In the end, I think it is a much more successful way to change for life!

All of that said, I wanted to mention that I had a discussion with my sister who also stuggles with her weight. She said that she had an unofficial weight loss group meeting at her house for quite awhile and she noticed a trend with these women that was interesting. She said that it was the trend that they would all have rough spells, come to group and “confess” that they hadn’t been doing well, and that was it. Nothing ever changed, nothing ever improved. It was as if confessing it to group was enough to make them feel better and not have to put the work into fixing anything. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I’m afraid that is where I’ve stalled out too. I KNOW what I need to do, I have no trouble saying that I have NOT done it, but then that’s it. No action, no fixing it. This isn’t what I want, but in all honesty, I can say that I’m guilty of it. Which gets me right back to the confession is good for the soul thing. It doesn’t FIX it!!! The next step is action. The next step is doing what I KNOW needs done. The next step is NOT allowing it to continue. I can be such a chicken some days! I get overwhelmed and just DON’T. I get overwhelmed at how big the task is and I just don’t want to do it. I want to hide my head and avoid it. I guess it is time to Nike. Just do it! I’m not sure how it is going to work yet. I need to think about it. I need to figure out what the mental hangup is and get past it. In the mean time, I’m going to do my damnest to stop letting it hold me back. I’ll figure it out along the way! Wish me luck.

Yup, it is the first of the year, and I see that resolutions are popular right now. I don’t have any issues with making a resolution. It is a good time to reflect on life about what is working and what is not. What it is NOT time for: making huge pipe dreams that will never be reached, or making plans on how to become who you are not. No matter how much one plans, you cannot just become an underwear model because you made a resolution. Most people do not have the genetic makeup for success at such a dream. What we CAN do, is become stronger, healthier, fitter, and thinner people. Very reasonable goals. I hate to see people setting themselves up to never obtain their goals. It is just frustrating and discouraging. So, in this frame of mind, I’m setting my “resolution”. By resolution, I don’t mean a plan to change. I have had plenty of those “plans”. By resolution, I mean a firm determination and mindset to do the difficult task set in front of me.

Two things that I can see that need fixing in my life. (I’m sure there are plenty more than that!!) First is my lack of motivation to get my house and household organized. I started on this while I was off work for a week over xmas, but I am far from being organized. Once again, I will never become someone that I am not. I am NOT Martha Stewart, but I can become a lot more organized than I currently am. I am going to continue to work on this one room at a time until it is complete. I do not need to add the craziness of a baby in the house to an unorganized and barely functioning situation. I am going to enlist the help of my very able children to get this one done too. I am not a one woman show, and I need all the help I can get.

Number two: I need to get to the gym. I was a bad slacker during the holiday season, but that is over now, and I’m ready to set my sights on exercise as a major goal. Hand in hand with this is healthy eating. I need to cut the sugar and fat out of my diet again. I’ve become lax in this one, and I don’t have any excuse. What I am NOT going to do is set unrealistic goals here either. I spent some time in the fitness room, and it is already getting uncomfy to do a brisk walk or weights. I know. Sounds like excuses. I do enjoy and feel very comfy swimming though, so I’m going to focus on this as my form of exercise at the moment. I think it is important that it be activity that is “enjoyable”. In addition, this is a highly recommended exercise for pregos like me. Less strain on my body. Right now, I need to be careful for the strain! Hopefully, as I get into a little better shape, I can add more fitness as we get going.

I had my doc appt today. I’ve gained one pound according to “their” scale. I don’t believe it because I think I’m more like 5 lbs up since the beginning. Their weight record last time was a bit higher than I really was. Late in the afternoon after lunch vs. first thing in the morning this time. I guess it averages out though. I’ve gained about 4-5 lbs total. Not way horrible, but I would like to see it slow down a little bit more than that. Doc said everything looks good. He approved my birth plan, so that made me happy. Other than that, pretty much a boring and uneventful doc visit which is PERFECT in my book!

Well, I turn 34 tomorrow. I don’t think I like middle of the week birthdays. Today is the last day of 33 which is ok by me I suppose. The years keep creeping by and making me an old lady! I was so much younger the last time I was pregnant on a birthday! I guess things keep changing all the time! I wish I could reflect right now on my last birthday and say that I’ve come so far in one year. But I can’t. Weight wise, I’m almost the same as last birthday. A few pounds better, but nothing outstanding.

I suppose that should depress me. It doesn’t. I look at my life and realize that I have everything I could ever want. I have beautiful children and a wonderful hubby. Baby on the way and feeling pretty good. Sometimes we don’t always know (or plan) what life is going to throw our way.

I do know that by my NEXT birthday.. I will be a much slimmer and fitter person though!!