Beebee

Ya all are amazing, caring people. Thank you so much for your responses to my post yesterday. I appreciate every word probably more than you will ever know. I did make it through the day, but I must say that it has been one of my rougher, weaker days lately. I still don’t know how things are going to turn out with hubby, but I’ll try to keep you all posted. Right now, I’m focusing on my children and establishing a steady life for them. They too have been deeply hurt over all of this. They were just coming to the point of trusting him to be there for them as a parent (step).

Ok, I did go to my WW meeting last night. It was just as bad as I feared. I gained 4 lbs over the week. Ouch! I’m vowing to get things under better control though. I blame part of that gain on my bad fluxuations too though. I wasn’t eating when he first left. The second week, I was forcing myself to eat. Then this last week, something snapped in me and it was a two-fisted eating thing for days. Oh well, I guess live and learn.

I’m headed to the grocery store after work today. I have been trying to hold onto every nickle lately, so I haven’t bought groceries in quite some time now. We all know that it isn’t the best on weight loss to be scraping together meals from empty cupboards. Time to stock up on the good stuff I think. I know it will do me good to focus on something else for awhile anyway!! Back to focusing on ME!

I want to thank you all again. You all rock! A lot of very sensitive things were shared with me that I’m sure still hurt a lot of you. All of it in effort to help me and support me in my difficult time. Thank you!!

Well, I guess I’m going to ramble on here for a few minutes. Those of you who read, thank you, and I apologize for the lack of direction right from the start. I’m in WW and I weigh in today which for the first time, I’m very nervous about. Yesterday, I found out that my hubby is moving out of his gf’s house and into his mother’s house. I know I haven’t mentioned the “other woman” so far, but there is one. I didn’t realize that this change was going to affect me nearly as much as it has. It has been devestating that he walked out on us 2 weeks ago for another woman (and whatever other “reasons” are going through his head), but in some ways this is messing with me even worse. He hasn’t talked to me hardly at all since he left. I don’t know if he is going to want to work things out. I don’t know if I’m going to want to either. I don’t know if it even can be worked out. On top of all of this, I still don’t have a place to move to. That is stressing me out big time. I just want to move and start getting settled before school starts in 3 weeks. It isn’t going to happen.

For the first time since all of this has been happening, I ate, and ate, and ate. I’m so mad at myself because I KNOW better!! I’m probably going to see a gain tonight at WW for the first time since I started 9 weeks ago. That makes me so mad at myself! I understand that I eat when I’m stressed, and I’ve certainly had a large helping of stress lately!! Life is going to continue to be stressful for a long time yet, and I cannot give up on getting this weight off just because life is happening! Now it is even more important to me than ever that I maintain control of my eating and my life. My kids are counting on just me now, and I have to be there now and for a long long time.

I keep telling my mom to suck it up and go to the meeting even if she knows she has gained. I have already heard my words returned to me this time! I guess it is time to suck it up and do it anyway. I will take the hit on my outstanding record, but then it is time to move on and get busy losing again. I only have myself to blame for not doing my very best. I definitely didn’t do my part this week. Hopefully, the scale doesn’t punish me too badly tonight!!

Well, maybe it is too late for my sanity. Just when I think it can’t get much worse, it does. I’ve been desperately trying to find a place for me and my 4 kids to live. So far, no luck. The place I’m staying right now is too high in rent and utilities. I might be able to pull it off for one more month, but I’ll sink my boat if I stay any longer than that. I have no savings, and there are no rentals in this town available. My folks thought maybe I could get gov help to buy a home since I’m a low income w/ children now. Nope. Not until the divorce is done, and maybe not then neither. No bond money available to help with closing costs. I guess that route has been shut down too. I’m not sure what the answers are anymore, or where to find them. I’m feeling lost and desperate. My husband couldn’t pick a worse time to leave us.

Well, life is not boring around here. My husband walked out on us on Sunday. I have until the end of the month to find an apt for me and my four kids (one being his and only 2 mos old). If any of you pray, I need them more than I ever have before. That I find a place to live, and can make the right decisions to support my children, and peace for my husband for this decision he has made without any warning. I won’t get into grizzly details because it won’t do me any good anyway. This being a weight loss site, I must say that this is the first time I have ever lost weight without any effort. I dropped 5.5 lbs by Tues and I’ve lost another few since. Fat is melting off me like butter. I am breastfeeding my baby though, and the lack of eating is hard on him. I’m trying to concentrate on eating a little more each day for his sake. I’m currently packing, transfering everything we have joint (checking acct etc.), looking for a place to live, trading vehicles to a more managable one, working full time+, taking care of my baby at home and work, and keeping my teenage son from melting. My other two are with their father in Nebraska, thank God. I know this isn’t what this site is for, but we all know it all ties together, and I need all the support I can get. Thanks gang.

I only have a few minutes, so I’ll have to make this speedy. I have a theory. I think it scares me to be thin and that is why I’m fat. Let’s face it. It isn’t that hard to eat right and exercise. I’ve gotten very close to being under 200 lbs and then I got scared and quit exercising and eating right. Why? I think it scares me to be a skinny person, and if I can get under 200 lbs, there will be no stopping me from hitting my goal. Then what? No one expects a fat chick to look cute and adorable, worry about clothes (they all look like tents anyway). I haven’t been thin since before I had kids 15 yrs ago. That is a long time of avoidance. I don’t know any different anymore. I won’t have any excuses if I don’t have the fat excuse anymore. End of thought. Back to work.

I don’t know if anyone remembers me. It has been quite a few months since I’ve been on this site, but I’m back!! Hopefully, I will be able to find some old faces on here and meet some of the new kids on the block!! Well, when I left this site last, I was pregnant and trying to control my weight gain. Ya right. So I gained 20 lbs over my pregnancy. It’s over now at least, and I’m determined to get back on track. I’ve lost my baby weight plus a couple of pounds since his birth, so watch out.. here I come!!

Some really quick personal info for those of you who are interested. I’ve joined Weight Watchers with my mom. It is a pretty neat program. I’ve lost 11 lbs in 5 weeks. I won’t complain about that. My son, Ethan, was born on May 19th. He is doing very well considering he was so early. He was 4 lbs 7 oz when he is born. He is up to about 7 lbs 12 oz now. I started back to work two days ago, and I’m bringing my son with me to my office. So far, we are managing, but it is rough because this is the busy time of the year in the agriculture business.

I found out over the holiday that fussing baby is definitely a trigger for me to eat.. and eat.. and eat. I guess it is more stressful on my nerves than I thought it was. I’m trying to deal with that now.

My personal challenge for myself this week is to eat two healthy snacks every day. I’m hoping this will help curb my desire to snack on stuff I SHOULDN’T have! My personal challenge last week was to exercise 20 min 3 days a week. I met that one and will continue it this week too. It doesn’t sound like much, but I’m out of practice on juggling a baby in my life, so I’m starting back up slowly!

I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone here and meeting the new faces that have shown up since I last logged in! Hope you are all doing well and having thinner days!!