Beebee

I’m writing this one in hopes that when I come back and read it a year from now that I might have an answer! I have been thinking about this all day today. What makes us eat past the point of it being enjoyable? I mean common. If you eat a dozen warm homemade chocolate chip cookies, they truly didn’t even taste good after about number 3! I’ve done it many times, I know! It doesn’t even matter what it is or how good it is. If it has sugar in it, I can eat it until I want to heave! That is so twisted! I can think of many times that I have bought a box of Little Debbie snack cakes and ate the whole thing! I can’t even eat one of those anymore without my stomach doing flip flops in protest. It’s like my tummy knows that I can’t eat just one and it is crying already that it will be hurting in a matter of minutes.

I guess I am thinking about this today because we bought tons of candy last night at the store for Halloween. I bought the kids off this year to not go trick-or-treating. Told them I would be happy to buy them each enough candy to make them puke! They probably won’t though. They will stash it and I’ll still be seeing it after the new year. I’ve been thinking of all the times that I have bought a bag of candy, and sat and ate the whole thing in one evening. I didn’t even like it, so why did I do it? I can say I know better now, but I knew better when I was doing it too! Didn’t stop me though. It will this year. I can thank the baby for that. Small doses of sugar is too much these days!

I just would love to have an answer as to why we do this? I know from being around this website that I am not nearly the only one that does this. I also know that every single person on here KNOWS BETTER. It isn’t a secret that it will make us sick. We figured that out really young I’m sure! Do we secretly want to punish ourselves for liking it? It certainly isn’t enjoyable, I do know that!

Anyway, that is my ramble for today. I mainly wanted it in my blog history so I could think about it some more after I get my head on straight. I can dream anyway!

This week has been horrible for getting exercise. I was doing so well until my daughter got sick the end of last week. Since then, nothin! Wild weekend which I don’t usually plan on getting much in on the weekend. It is nice if I can, but I don’t stress about it if it doesn’t happen. Well, it didn’t. Oh well. Then with all the travelling over the weekend, I just didn’t have it in me to get up and go to the pool or fitness center. I should have made it this morning, but hubby is sick today. He is such a big baby. Cute as hell, but still a baby! So that threw my morning into a mess. My daughter told me that her music program is tonight. I asked what time. 6:45. Right during my water aerobics class. Thursday evening 6:00 is parent teacher conference.There goes the other water class! I just can’t win this week! I think I’m just going to grab the dog and go for a long walk tonight after the program! It will be the only way that my fat ass gets moving this week! I feel like I am slowly turning into a fat slug! This is not what I had in mind when I joined the Y.

I’m working on getting more organized this week. I have housework that has been ignored the past two weekends because of busy with other things. Nothing really gets done during the week past survival of the school and work schedules. I got caught up on the checkbook and bills today. I’m going to work in the housework along the way. I think part of my problem is the overwhelming feeling of not keeping up with everything in my life. I think I’m slowly drowning…

Regardless, I will be at the Y in the morning swimming my laps. This is crazy!

LOL! I bet you all hated that title!! Actually, it is because that I bring two 20 oz bottles of water with me every morning to work that my purse is soggy and dripping now! I failed to screw the lid on properly and leaked it down in my purse!! AAAAGGGGHHHH! What a mess! At least it was water and not grape juice though! So, drinking water doesn’t always pay. Sometimes it gets your checkbook soggy!

Well, I stayed true to form. I had yet another bad weekend plan wise. Hubby said he has been struggling to stay in control of his eating too. We both said we will buckle down this week and get back on track. I guess we feed off each others moods more than I realized. I just didn’t care this weekend and I’m not sure why. We spent a lot of time driving this weekend. My ex lost his vehicle, so we took kids to him and back again. We spent about 13 hours on the road total. I’m not too far along on my pregnancy yet, but this was definitely enough to throw my weekend into a tailspin. I was stiff and tired all weekend. To make it worse, hubby had to work quite a bit this weekend too (while trying to get sick).

My son is in serious depression over his father right now. I’m getting concerned about him. His dad doesn’t know when he will be back to see the kids since he has no car right now. He is talking about moving to Nebraska which would make it 6 hrs from his kids. We all know that this will seriously limit visitations. My younger son is taking it the worst. I told him that his dad is going to have to work things out for himself, but I know that seeing his kids is very important to him and he will work it out. I also told him to call his dad more if he is missing him. Other than that, I’m kind of at a loss. He is upset that we ever got divorced and I can’t even begin to explain to him all the reasons that us being married was seriously not good.

I guess the advantage to being pregnant is that even though I ate some things over the weekend that I shouldn’t, I couldn’t eat much!! I have a seriously limited appetite and my stomach gets too queazy to eat much!! I am going to focus this week on healthy choices for me and baby and cut the crap back out of my life! We don’t need it! I feel like a split personality always talking about we and us!! I don’t need to be perfect, just constantly moving forward and improving! I don’t feel I have been doing that lately like I should be!

You know whenever I go to the gym I am the ONLY one even remotely overweight (I’m way more than remotely!)! How come I only see fit people at the gym??? Where are all the people that NEED to be there? I get so tired of feeling all the eyeballs on me when I go there. Maybe it is a testament to the people that go.. but ALL of them?? I have so many things I should probably be blogging about, but I really thought I would mention this because it upsets me! I’m getting more used to it than I was. The first time I went was at 6pm on a weeknight. That was insanely packed and.. of course.. I was the only fat one! It isn’t much better early in the morning although it isn’t as busy, it is the die-hard fitness people sharing the room with me. Oh well! I’ll be one of them some day!

Well, I did go to my water aerobics yesterday, but I didn’t hit the fitness room afterwards like I was planning. Hubby and kids were playing a game of pool, and were too intense to quit. I came down off of my “high” and didn’t feel like doing it after they wrapped up. I was sort of pissy that hubby wasn’t more cooperative to go when I was ready. I’m pregnant though and everything makes me moody! I got up this morning and did my lap swim. I did four laps instead of three, so I’m slowly getting better. Tomorrow morning will be fitness room with water aerobics in the afternoon.

I went to Quiznos for lunch today and had a salad and a cup of soup. It was so yummy, but now it isn’t settling well. Not sure about that! I’ve been queezy off and on, but I haven’t actually gotten sick yet. I’d like to keep it that way! Those flatbread salads are wonderful btw if ya all are looking for a different salad. Their sandwiches are way high in calories, but I would think the salads are reasonable. I don’t have them in my book though and couldn’t pull it up on the website. If anyone knows the calories, let me know, I’m curious!

I am not sleeping well at all lately which really sucks because I’m sooo tired all the time! I’ll fall asleep for a couple hours and then toss and turn the rest of the night. Anyone have some suggestions for sleep (while pregnant) please let me know! I’m thinking I might try chamomile tea before bed or something. I’m desperate.

Well, I didn’t get up this morning to go to the gym. Hubby worked until really late last night, so I didn’t get to bed early. The alarm went off this morning and I just didn’t care. I should have just got up and got it done. There really isn’t a good excuse because I couldn’t even sleep after the alarm went off. I knew I should be at the gym and wasn’t. I told myself that I have my water aerobics later today, so I don’t REALLY need to make it in this morning. WRONG! That isn’t what I set up as my schedule. I am going to stay after my water class and hit the machines. I don’t want to miss out on another day of working out! It doesn’t really fix this morning, but I guess it helps with the exercise.

I think I’m going to give up on my calorie counting for a little bit. I really suck at it and it frustrates me trying to get it done especially in the evening. I’m going to just journal my food.. ALL of my food. I’ve noticed that I am lying to myself when I’m “bad”. That kind of makes it pointless if I only record the good stuff!! I know from looking at the foods I’m writing down if they are good and reasonable choices. I’m going to try it for a little while (maybe a week or two) and see how it goes. I want an honest record of my behaviors so I can see where the problems are. Everyone says you can’t lie to yourself. I think you are all WRONG because I manage to all the time!

I don’t usually go completely off my plan on my “day off”, but on Sunday, I really did. I didn’t do anything “regular”, and somehow I lost two pounds. Well, I’m not TRYING to lose weight (pregnant), so that was a big shocker. Usually, on my day off, I will eat one meal and not count it at all. I had donuts for lunch (making me ill just thinking about it!) and a pretty large dinner. The bad thing is, I’m pretty sure that the loss was actually water weight. I didn’t drink nearly enough water, so I’m sure I will see a gain real soon!

I was really in a mood all weekend. By Sunday, I didn’t feel like doing anything that I should be doing. I’m blaming it on pregnancy hormones and moving on. I didn’t swim this morning which is upsetting me a lot. It was just too busy this morning to try to fit it in. Hubby is working late, so I might try to get the kids up for open swim at the Y. I’m not promising anything though. I know better. I do have plans on being at the Y at 5am tomorrow for the fitness room, and I have my water class tomorrow after work. I hate to miss a Monday, but it might happen this time. Oh well. I’m human!

I have been seriously trying to figure out what is different this time than every other time I have tried to lose weight. Before, when I would try to lose, my now ex-hub would usually try with me. That is cool I think. What isn’t cool is that he turned into the food police. It didn’t take very long at all that I felt belittled for every little thing I did. It was either that way, or he would bring home “treats” that were horrible horrible for anyone. If I ever succeeded (which wasn’t often) in losing weight, he would get insecure with me looking good. It was all very subtle at the time. I can see it way better now than I used to be able to.

This time is completely different. If I set my mind that I’m going to do it, I will. I won’t get it perfectly the first time. Maybe not even the 20th time, but I keep trying and I do continue to get it better. Since the first couple weeks past, I really do feel like this time will be different. Hubby is completely supportive without trying to police me. I’m not saying he is perfect either because he is still fighting his own motivation at the moment, so he will tempt me to not do what I promised myself that I would. I guess I’m at peace inside, so I think that in turn shows as confidence on the outside. I know I can do this, and that is just all there is to it.

Now, right after getting really good at this weight loss thing, I ended up pregnant. I’m six weeks right now. Before, I would have told myself I was defeated. I obviously won’t be able to lose weight now of all times!! That isn’t how I see it though. The best way to grow a healthy baby is to be a healthy mama. I think of my baby first. I’m not trying to lose weight. That is kind of silly for now. What I will be doing is to continue to build my body into a strong, healthy body. I’m doing this by exercising within pregnancy limitations and eating healthily. I’m still tracking what I’m eating, but my calorie intake is slightly higher than if I were eating just for me. That is ok. I’m filling all those calories with whole grains, fruits, veggies, and proteins. I drink water only all day long except for one small glass of OJ in the morning. Oh, that OJ tastes so good in the morning! Love it!

Anyway, in 7.5 months when this baby is born will be the best reward for staying on task! I had a lot of motivation when this was just a journey of self-improvement. Now it is for the two of us!! After he/she is born, I will pick right back up with losing weight! I told hubby that I’m going to get back on the Wildcats team right before the baby is born so I can lose 20-30 lbs in a week or two.

I guess the moral of my story is that I think that having inner peace is the key to keep on keeping on. Also, beware of negitivity around you because I think it affects us way more than we know!

Well, today is day number three of going to the Y. I went swimming on Wed, fitness center Thurs morning, Aquafit class Thurs evening. Hubby is supposed to be joining me, but he hasn’t made it yet. I know how it is when you really can find every excuse to NOT workout. I’ve been there, but I’m past that now. I’m used to getting up early now, so I’m not fighting off the comfy bed in the morning. This morning hubby was SUPPOSED to get up and go with me. Instead of getting up, he snuggled up and started giving me some lovin. Now, who can refuse good lovin?? Of course, he was twice as unmotivated then!! I took the bribe, but then I told him I was going to the gym to swim my laps! I’m NOT getting sidetracked from working out!! I have set my mind on it, and I’m going to do it.. regardless of how good the bribes are!!

I must say it was a wonderful attitude adjustment for me though!! God, I’m such a user!! LOL!!