Beebee

Ok, I think I have been intentionally putting this off, and I apologize in advance if my thoughts are kind of random. I had a doc appt a couple of days ago, and I guess I was scared. I hadn’t had an annual girl exam for about 5-6 annuals ago. I had been having some troubles, and I didn’t want to hear what a doc had to say. I also was putting off getting nekky for a doc at the size I am right now– ugghhh. That was the very main reason I put it off so long. Well, it wasn’t that horrible and it is done with now. He didn’t have anything dramatic to say other than he was putting me on the Pill to regulate me out. As long as it works!! I was sort of appalled at how doc visits go now! It is a lot like cattle thru a shoot! In-out, don’t ask too many questions! I’m glad he isn’t reg care doc or I would be more upset about it. I still need to find a reg doc though. I was also concerned that I was preggers. He ran a test, but it is still too early to be 100% yet. Came back neg. but I won’t know for sure for another week. I really don’t want to be preggers! I have three kids and hubby has three also. That is plenty! They are getting older and more independent, and I just don’t want to start over now!! I would be happy and love a baby if it was a done deal, but it isn’t my desire right now!! I am just getting going on a good weight loss trend and I’m pretty sure that 9 mos of getting HUGE probably would cramp that trend! I really don’t want to retire my spot on the Cats either! Is that silly or what??

Ok, not preggers (that I know of) and not dying. Pretty good news for one appt. My appt was on my ex-anniv. which I thought quite ironic. All day long I kept thinking how it used to be such a deal, and now it is nothing. It gave me a chance to think how happy I am now. Ex is not a horrible person, just not for me. He makes a much better ex than hubby!!

I used to go swimming every morning at the Y. Let me tell you.. that is a great way to boost your weight loss! I did it in addition to working out on the weights in the evening. I have never lost weight so easily in my life! It was awesome! My goal has been to establish the routine of getting up at 5am and walking in the morning. I told myself that when I get used to doing it EVERY DAY, that I would get a family membership again to the Y. It isn’t cheap, and I had got one back in January or so and didn’t use it. Cancelled it after 3 mos. I don’t want to do that again! My boys (13 & 11 yrs) are both willing to get up and walk with me in the mornings with the understanding that they can also go swimming when we get the membership. I thought that is pretty awesome! I would love to see them get into such a great habit! All the more motivation for me to get my buns moving! I need the routine more than anything, so I will feel like I am working out hard enough. One of my biggest fears is that I will lose the weight and look like the saggy baggy elephant with loose skin! I know that the best way to prevent that is to lose slow and steady and to work out lots! I’m trying to do this the right way, so I will love the results of my hard work!

Overall, I have had a pretty stressful time the last week or so. A lot of family issues that I would rather do without. I have felt myself sliding mentally a little. Like I just stopped caring as much. I’m in a much better place now. I had just a couple of small blunders that didn’t do any damage other than prolonging me healing and moving on  emotionally. I really think that giving into food comfort only makes it worse. You still have to deal with it in the long run. I know that the first 2-3 weeks on this journey, I was a BEAR to be around. Hubby and kids probably got a few bites to the butt that were completely unfounded. I couldn’t understand why I was like that. I eventually figured out that I had no real means of dealing with stress and emotions without eating! I was getting frustrated and angry because I couldn’t drown my problems in calories! What an eye-opener that was! 33 yrs old and didn’t know how to deal with the stress of living! I’ve gotten better, but I still feel it when it gets intense. I start obsessing about food, even if I don’t eat it!

Anyway, any that made it to the very end of this lengthy post, thank you for listening! Have a great weekend!!

I’m going to try to make this fast. Busy at work, but I just had to say something. I had bday cake/icecream yesterday. Ever since, I have had bad cravings. I know this is the cause, but I’m still craving fried, breaded mushrooms really bad today. Over lunch break, I had to go to the bank. The little restruant that sells them is one hop from my bank. Had told myself that I was going over there if there wasn’t a line. Didn’t have time to wait (and they are VERY slow!). About pulled into their drive-thru and there was a car at the window. Decided not to go there. Went home and had a good lunch w/out problem. Had to go get the mail this afternoon, so I thouht great!! There won’t be a line now! It is after lunch time!! Drove over there, and there were FOUR cars in the drive-thru! I laughed and said, “fine God, I get the point! I don’t need any silly mushrooms!!” I guess my angel is on Red Alert today! Probably a good thing! I will be better tomorrow. Just hard after I have naughty food to break the cycle before I get into trouble.

I have browsed more around this site learning about people, looking at their pictures (before and work-in-progress), and I have one thing to say. This site is chalked full of beautiful people. I know it is easy to dream about what we WANT to look like, but I want all of you to know that you are also wonderful NOW. Most of the pictures on here are just life pictures. For the most part, I see happiness shining in faces of people here. I know we all want better, but I want everyone here to smile because you all are great today too!!

We can’t spend even one day hating who we are and waiting to live life when we hit a “goal”. I’ve heard many here say that they learned to appreciate the journey as well. I think that is a pretty important lesson we can take from the ones on here who have come a very long ways. Of course I am waiting until I hit my goal weight to wear that bikini to the pool, but that is more for everyone else’s comfort! hehe It sure won’t stop me from wiggling and giggling in private though!

I think it is a pretty cruel joke not only to make women naturally more prone to gain weight, but also to give us huge hormone surges all month long to really make it miserable! I think hubby had it right this morning when he asked me who pissed in my posty oats. I can’t remember the last time that girl junk has gotten my soooo moody! I think I must have something out of wack!

I might hate the world today, but I’m still very thankful for my BS website and friends. It is the only thing that is keeping me from consuming my weight in chocolate right now. Just to make it really really fun, the scale stalls out on me during this time every month! I’ve lost 1.5 lbs this week, but I’m sure that scale isn’t going to budge one more inch before Sunday morning! I am going to commit to a really long walk this evening because I know my body and mood BOTH could use the boost!!

It is always nice to get together with family for the holidays, and of course there is always lots and lots and lots of goooooddddd food!! I told myself it was one meal, and I was not going to stress about calories, or remaining on track because it was only ONE MEAL. I decided that I couldn’t fully forget the diet, so I decided to compromise. I would use a small plate, and try to just have a little bit of the goodies. Small portions vs. low calorie. I ate way too much, which is still not as much as I would have eaten in the past. I suppose that is a good thing. The BAD thing was that all afternoon, I went back for no-bake cookies!! Bad! I think I had 5-6 of the buggers.

The side effect of such behavior is very obvious today. I still feel bloated and lazy today, and I want to snack really bad! I have been religiously eating one morning and one afternoon snack. Period. Nothing in the evening, no extra snacks. This is really my downfall because I just love snacks. Ok, I love food in general, but I daydream about snacks, desserts, fat-filled foods. I thought I had the cravings kicked in the rear, but I guess I took a baby-step backwards.

It was definitely a learning experience, which I’m going to chalk up as such and move on. No serious damage done other than getting to re-fight the snack battles. I think extra exercise this week will help get me past the cravings. When I do have snacks, I’m making them very low-cal snacks, so I don’t regain my lost weight.