Beebee

That was a good tv series. I was more referring to how much smoother this week is than last. Things are starting to look up a little, and I really owe a lot to my teammates for being so encouraging. When I first logged into this website, I thought that this must be where it is going on. There are people on here that have lost lots of weight, and continuing to do so. After a week or so though, I got the same discouraged feeling that I wasn’t able to do it. Crazy huh? I wrote a really long post that I ended up deleting before posting about how the emotional part of weight loss is by far the hardest part. I guess this week is showing me the flip side. The emotional high can make it easier to do it too!! Cindy just told me that she has a spot for my hubby to join the Cats. Wonderful!! You all will love him. He is a character. I will love him joining because of the additional support at home, but he also won’t be tempting me with those m&m’s!! HEHE!
I was pretty frustrated last night with the weather. It rained and became a nice excuse to not get my evening exercise in. BAD me!! It is nice and cool today, so I think it calls for extra effort after work today to make up for it. Hubby is going to be late tonight, so I think the kids need to go on a bike ride with me.
Great news though. No one tell Cindy cuz she told me to stay off the scale until weigh-in day. I lost a new virgin pound!! Wooohoooo!! I’ve been re-losing the same two pounds or so since I started, and it has been frustrating. This morning I saw a brand new one gone!! I’m happy girl now!!

I still think weekends are the roughest, but this weekend, the children showed me great new ways of exercise. That was exciting. We have a device to hook up to a PS2 that is called a dance mat. You can do singles or doubles. The game puts up little arrows that tells you which button to hit with your feet. It is an absolute awesome game to play with kids. They are great motivators and make it fun. They didn’t even laugh at their fat mom jumping around and making a fool of myself! Not only am I not young and limber, I have the WORST rythm ever! The kids were great though, and I think I’m going to add a little FUN to exercise! My wonderful hubby also got my bicycle running again for me again too, so my dog and I are going to start going for rides again.

The actual eating right is getting a lot easier. Cravings are getting under control for the most part. It is just difficult because I am so slow at losing weight that I usually end up quitting out of frustration. Why should I work so hard and get nothing out of it? I managed to lose my 2 pounds this week at the last minute right before weigh-in, but that was just the two that I had managed to keep all week. Not NEW pounds!! I only managed to stay even is all.

It is still difficult to try to lose weight without hubby also joining me. He had m&m’s over the weekend while watching movies and it about killed me. I didn’t touch a one though! It has been getting a little easier than it was the beginning of last week. I’m hoping that is a good sign.

I’m not sure if anyone else has had trouble with horrible mood swings over dieting, but last week was bad for me. It made me realize how much I rely on food for non-hunger issues. It made me VERY grouchy when I wanted to lean on food for emotional issues and couldn’t. Then it was depressing that I am like that. Of course if I only ate when I was hungry, I probably wouldn’t be overweight!

I finished Friday off strong, but then the lack of schedule on the weekends was my downfall. I had too much free time on my hands, and hub was working a lot this weekend which seems to leave me wanting to eat more than usual. I felt like I was completely unproductive all the way around, and didn’t do as well on my diet as I should have. I didn’t feel that I completely botched either though. When we went out to eat, I chose reasonable dishes instead of the greasey, high calorie foods that I wanted. I guess I didn’t do too good though because the scale said I had lost all of my progress by this morning. I just wanted to cry. I could have gained three pounds and had a whole lot more fun doing it!! I’m hoping that it is temporary swing with my monthly, but it is still frustrating. I’m back on track this morning though. Finally made it to the store on Sunday, so drive-thru dinners will not be an issue. I have a horrible time with those french fries!!
That reminds me of why I probably gained this weekend. All week I was craving ff’s and would have just a few of my daughter’s. Finally decided on Saturday to have a FULL ORDER of the damn things. They were yummy, but I felt awful afterwards. It probably wasn’t the “proper” way to deal with a persistant craving, but I was peachy all the rest of the weekend. That was the only really big no-no I did this weekend.
Hub isn’t dieting with me yet, so it is difficult for me to be good when he is eating whatever he wants. I hate to say “diet” because I really need to think of it as a life change instead. Diet implies temporary. At least he is supportive in the way that he isn’t trying to get me to break my diet. I told him last night that I just wanted to snack so bad. I wasn’t hungry, but wanted to eat. He told me to chew on a toothpick and it would help satisfy the mouth fetish thing. He was right. It got me through the evening.

Well, this morning was encouraging. I managed to take off my additional pound, plus one more!! That was exciting for me. It was difficult seeing my weight creep up on the very first day and all. Cravings are the worst right now, but I kind of expected that. My biggest downfall on diets are the temptations to NOT do it! I start thinking all the time about what I would like to eat, then I start plotting how to get it. Drop kids off to school, and then I can stop and get a breakfast burritto, whatever. Lately it has been breaded and fried mushrooms for some reason. I will actually plan out a course of action so I can get them without anyone knowing about it. It is strange too because no one even CARES if I had them, so why am I trying to plan out how to sneak them?? That is a mental oddity that I don’t think I will ever understand. I’ve heard that you can be addicted to carbs. Haven’t we all heard that though? But I think that I probably am. That or crazy!! Jury is still out on that one.
Last night I did ok, I suppose. I always think I could do better, but I’m going for improvement instead of perfection. Improve long enough… right? I had a turkey sandwich instead of a cheese burger, and chips instead of french fries. Ok, I had about 8-10 of my daughter’s ff.. AGAIN!! GGGGrrrrr! I had a lot fewer than I did the night before. The mistake was having drive-thru 2 nights in a row. Need to get to the grocery, but been busy with school starting and work. Will try to get there after work tonight (before hub gets off), so I can get it done WITHOUT outside influence to buy that icecream!!
Oh! The “good me” for yesterday is that I not only walked my dogs over my lunchbreak, I also got in about a 30 min walk last night with them instead of reading a book for the evening!! It will be nice when hub can get off work before 10pm and join me! That will be nice! Yeah Me!

Walked the dogs over lunch break. Dogs & I all got way hot, but it felt rewarding to earn a little pick me up over my lunch. Earned 2 pennies this morning. Kept plotting what I wanted for lunch. Got bad around 10:30am when my tummy got hungry. Might need to figure out a good snack for 10:30. Wheat crackers & cheese? Rather have m&m’s!! Think my first goal is going to be 20lbs. If I can do that, it will give me the confidence to keep going I think. Need to think of a really grat reward for my 1st goal. Can’t think of anything I really want. Maybe a celebration date w/ hub? Don’t know.

Well, here starts my fat journal to track my progress. It is probably silly, but maybe I’ll see what goes wrong-or right along the way. I started yesterday on Slim-Fast. I need to add exercise really bad, but haven’t yet. Started @ 254.5 lbs and seemed to manage to add 1 more lb today. Up to 255.5lbs. today. That’s ok so far. I did ok yesterday. Had three extreme food cravings. I carry pennies in my pocket to keep track. Move 1 from right pocket to left. I did ok until eve. Then I had 2 tomato sandwiches on texas toast, 4 mcnuggets, & a handful of daughter’s french fries. Doesn’t sound too horrible, but I was trying to avoid ff all together. Failed on that one. I did manage to NOT eat again when hub had Sonic for supper @ 10pm. I was full. Noticed a missing slimfast. I think hub took it. He hasn’t mentioned it & neither have I. Trying to not make it “official”.

Emotionally–I feel fat & lazy. I’m fed up & ready to fix it. Deteremined I can, but scared 2 admit I’m trying. I’ve tried so many times & failed. I no longer care about having a “perfect” body. I want to feel good. That’s all.