Beebee

Well, I hate being a repeat poster, but I had to do my Thanksgiving post! Hubby had surgery on Monday, and I must say that I’m not too good at handling stress without eating yet. I was at the hospital From Monday morning until Tuesday night. It was grab food whenever I could without any sort of planning ahead. I’m glad that is over, but I’m afraid I’m probably up a couple of pounds just in time for the holiday. Grrrr! I did make a point of walking the hospital halls though, so I wasn’t totally off-track.

Hubby is doing well, so I can at least release a little of that stress. Surgery was rougher than they expected. He had two hernias instead of one. He also had breathing complications during surgery. Had me pretty worried. Recovery has been going well so far, so I’m thankful for that.

I must say that I really missed my BS while I was off! It wasn’t intentional avoidance. Just lack of access. I really needed my BS fix too! I wish I had more catch up time to see what’s been going on while I was away, but my time is going to be limited today, and then I’m off for the holiday. If I don’t get in touch with all of you, please forgive me. I hope you all are getting along well in your journeys during this challenging time!! Remember it is a holiDAY, not a holiWEEK!! One meal isn’t going to kill you, but tossing back rich meals for 4 days will be a serious set back!

Well, it is soon to be the most dreaded and looked forward to day of the year. Thanksgiving is a challenging day for all of us. I always think I’m going to be able to handle it, but then when reality hits, my willpower vanishes. This year, I’m trying to be realistic. I know I’m going to have a slice of pie. I know I’m going to have that gravy on my turkey. What I also know is that I can eat some and enjoy myself without stuffing myself worse than the turkey!!

Some of my own personal plans to survive the holiday are as follows:

-One plate, no seconds.
-Keep portions reasonable.
-Fill up on the lower calorie stuff and take it easy on the rich foods.
-Higher the calorie count, the smaller the portion.
-Go for an after dinner walk. If it is yucky weather like it is calling for, I’ll go walk at Wal-mart.
-It never tastes better than the first bite, so enjoy the first one.. then STOP. I will be tasting everything the day has to offer, but that doesn’t mean I have to eat a portion of everything.

I think that a major part of weight loss is learning the control that I’ve so lacked all my life. I’m still learning, but at least I’m starting to understand the rules!

Hope you all have a fantastic day. Enjoy your family and your meals. I’ll see you all next week!!

I guess that is when I need to suck it up and just post anyway. Today is one of those days. Yesterday got a little slippery at the end of the day. Both good and bad were the result. After church last night, I decided to take the kids for icecream before going home. I know, bad idea since it is a weakness. I did good. On the way there, I was planning to get one for me, but talked myself down off the cliff by the time I ordered. Got 3 cones. One for each of my kids. My oldest is a stinker btw. He wanted McD icecream cuz he likes choc. He was out voted for Sonic. He took 4 licks from his cone and said he was never going to finish it. I’m thinking, that looks pretty good and of course SHARING an icecream is not soooo bad. I tell him if he can’t finish it, I will since I didn’t get one. The little BRAT (I swear it was on purpose for not getting him choc) looked at me, and handed it over. A WHOLE cone!! Now, I know we aren’t garbage disposals, but I just couldn’t waste it especially when I WANTED it!! I ate the dam thing. I guess I lost that war. It will be a long time before I take them out for icecream again!!

Ok, what do we do when we cave to one thing?? Throw in the towel. Hubby called me and said we and our friends were going out for a VERY late night supper. He was getting off work at midnight. Told him he was crazy, but if that is what he wanted, fine. I was game. I’m not sure why this hit my trigger, but I already caved on the icecream, and I was slipping down the slope. As soon as I hung up with him, I went to the kitchen and grabbed 4 peanut m&m’s. Not so bad. Ate them walking into the living room. I’m tired, I’m wound cuz I just wanted to go to bed and now we have a mid-week late night happening. I’m pacing around the house, and I swear, I had decided to finish the bag of m&m’s. I practically marched back to the kitchen to grab them. Like what does this really prove??? It is insane!! Opened the bag.. grabbed a handful.. ready to pop a couple in my mouth. Suddenly I realized what I was doing. It is the VERY first time I have been able to break that cycle after I have that mentality going on. So, I put all but a few m&m’s back and put the bag back. I looked at them in my hand, and thought of Karen and her battle to gain control the last few days. I opened the bag back up, and put them back in. That’s how it goes. I eat a couple, get mad I did it, eat a couple more, get madder, eat the whole thing. If I would have had even one more, I would have lost the battle. Even told myself that if I touched that bag one more time, I was going to dump it in the toilet. I didn’t have to get that extreme. Something about the image in my head of having to get that exteme with myself to prevent eating was enough for me.

So, damage equalled 4 peanut m&m’s. Not horrible so far. Then we went to dinner. Remember, I already ate much earlier, but was tagging along for the social part. Decided to get an order of french fries. Looking back now, I can’t believe that was my decision cuz it SUCKED! I could have order HALF an order. Nope, full order. Or maybe a salad, nope. They weren’t even very good. Still ate most of them though. Bad decision, but it is done. Need to work on making better social eating decisions.

Today is a new day, and I’m doing ok. Not dwelling on it too much other than writing this post. Wanted others to realize that the cycle can be broken. I know I needed to know that!! Just think about what you are doing, and why, and is it truly the best choice. I’m working on making better ones, but I am truly thankful that I didn’t cave to the self destruction m&m choice. That is the one that causes me way more harm than an order of french fries!! Days and days worth of damage because it starts the cycle!

I did a little cleaning on my buddy list to make it more meaninful to me on my weight loss journey. I basically deleted all buddies that I didn’t feel a real strong connection with. I want it to be a tool that is beneficial to both me and the people I have agreed to be buddies.

I did not do this to offend anyone. If I deleted you, and you feel that you are going to be missing something because of it, please let me know, and I’ll add you back on. I’m not trying to hurt anyone else’s efforts, but I might not realize you are needing me. I also asked a couple of people I didn’t have on my list to be buddies. Please feel free to decline it if you need to. I’m looking for a strong network. Not just a large total of buddies!

Well, I lost 2 lbs this week!! Woohoo!! I was expecting to stay the same which would have been fine. I’ve done a good job staying on track with my eating, so whatever the scale reported, I already knew how I did! I’m feeling good right now, just in time for hubby’s surgery to throw a huge wrench into my life.

I have not done a drive-thru lunch in over a week. That all by itself makes me proud of myself. When I’m doing badly, I’ll do pick up lunch instead of going home to eat like I should. Other bad behaviors that I have NOT done is picking up a chicken biscuit at McD’s in the morning when I run for mail. Also, I haven’t had even one icecream cone. Do we see a trend?? Even if all of these things weren’t seriously bad for my health AND weight, they would STILL be horrible financial decisions. Those things add up quickly! When I do it though, I don’t really care about any of that. It is as if a section of my brain just shuts down. I know I’m doing it, but I feel powerless to stop.

Well, I’m off to update my weight tracker for the week and get something done at work. I’ll check up on all of the blogs in a little while. Hope you all have a terrific hump day! Get it in early!

Tonight is my WW weigh-in. I don’t think I lost this week, but I guess I’ll find out for sure tonight. My mom says that I think that every week! Who knows. I’m ok with it if I didn’t lose. I know that I’ve done a good job this week, so it doesn’t matter what the scale says this time. Of course if it says I gained, I might think differently! That certainly is NOT ok!!

Hubby is having surgery in under a week, so stress levels have definitely increased around my house. I know I’m not the only one stressing about money. This economy really seriously sucks right now. I guess my solution is to keep my head down and plug away until all those important people figure out how they are going to fix it!! All I know is it is a really rotten time for hubby to be off work, but we are blessed that we KNOW it is temporary!! It would be much much worse to be unemployed with no definite answers to the duration! We’ve been there before too!! Yuck!

I always have a love/hate relationship with the first half of the week. It is usually when I’m going to either make it or fail. I always have a lot going on the beginning of the week. Yesterday was payday and grocery shopping. Today is WW, and tomorrow is church bible study. By Thursday I just want to take a deep breath! It sure makes the week race by a little TOO fast!

Well, I’ll be checking in tomorrow to report either a gain or loss!! You all have a great evening! Remember that the worst part of weight loss is the battle within ourselves! The rest is cake!

It has been an up and down week for me. I absolutely love you guys on here! I was crazy to stop coming here when I was struggling. I still don’t understand that, but I guess it was my form of avoidance. I remember the last time I logged onto this website before I started my avoidance. I was sitting here, reading blogs, and eating peanut m&m’s. I thought, “This is stupid. What am I gaining from doing this besides more pounds?” Instead of putting down the candy, I put away the website that was making me feel guilty about it. Well, it took me awhile, but I think I’m headed back in the right general direction. Yeah me!

I got into a fight with hubby over the phone yesterday. Of course it was over the phone because he didn’t get home until midnight (work). That just adds to my stress levels. He said he didn’t want to fight, I said fine. Bye. Not a great solution, but oh well. I was pissy. Really pissy. I was laying in bed and wishing him harm. Not a good thing at all. I took a deep breath and started praying for his well being and our mutual understanding of each other. After a few calming moments, I felt sane again. We still have some stuff to talk about, but it isn’t urgent. Not even sure it can be resolved, but we need to at least listen to each other in a calm environment.

Normally, anything with a sugar or fat content would have been consumed in rapid order. Nope. I did pretty dam good! I’m trying to focus on what triggers me and work at defusing it before I pop. Such as lunch time. I get pretty hungry by lunch. I go a little nuts and want to eat everything. I found out that popping a slice of whole wheat bread in the toaster first thing helps. That way I can eat that to take the edge off while I’m making my lunch I don’t lose it like I used to. It adds calories to my lunch, but not nearly as bad as icecream or m&m’s or some other insane food choice.

I’ve also been lighting a candle over my lunch break. Lunch by candle light. It is very soothing. A very nice calm in the middle of the work day. Wonderful and relaxing and revitalizing to make it through the rest of the day.

Anyway, I just felt a need to share. I’m still hanging in there one day at a time like every good recovering junkie. The scale said I’m down 2 lbs this week, but it is unofficial until Tuesday. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend. Remember to eat purposefully and enjoy it! No mindless animal consuming! That’s what gets us fat!!

It’s actually shining outside too, but I was referring inside my soul the sun is shining. It feels wonderful and warm. Today is a much better day today than yesterday. After I posted my confession that I just wasn’t coping very well, I started pulling it together. Sometimes all it takes is owning it. Other times, it is the meaningful words of people who truly care and understand. Be careful folks what you say to others because words have way more power than you ever think!! Both good and bad!

I had my weight watchers meeting. I had a horrible, crappy week. I figured that I would probably see my second consecutive gain. I actually did very well yesterday after visiting here for some time in the morning. We all know that behaving ONE day doesn’t really undo the harm of an entire week. I went to the meeting anyway because I needed it. To my great suprise, I lost two pounds. Small blessings. I’ll take them.

All the same stresses are still there. I still don’t know how we are going to handle the next couple of months. One thing I do know though, worrying doesn’t do anything. I’ll handle whatever I have to as it comes. It is all I can do. I’ll be able to handle it better though, if I take the time to take care of myself.. physically and mentally. Hope you all have a great evening. I meant to get this posted this morning, but the day ran away from me.

How come I avoid what I know is good for me, might get me back on track, when I’m not doing good?? It truly doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t remember the last time I logged on here which is crazy. When I’m having a bad day, I can read stuff that others have written, and often times turn myself around. Nope, not when I decide to go off the emotional cliff. No one is gunna stop me!! Ironically, my last post on here was about getting scared cuz things were going well. I guess I fixed that!!

I have been stressed. Very stressed. I feel like I’m in a pressure cooker and caving under the strain. I will set goals for myself, thinking I can get myself back on track. As quickly as I set them, I do the exact opposite. I’ve gained 2 lbs which isn’t even the worst part. It is that I feel completely out of control is the worst part. No matter what kind of pep talk I give myself, I still jump off the cliff. I’ve been eating out more than in, skipping breakfast, drinking soda again, haven’t done any worth while exercise, haven’t done anything to maintain my mental peace. I would call it severe depression, but I don’t really feel sad.

Honestly, I’m just not coping with stress right now. And there is plenty to not be coping with! My boss told me to find daycare for my son. He has been going to work with me since I’ve been back. He had told me that he could come with me until he was crawling, or sooner if it wasn’t working out. We both agreed to this, but he is retiring and he told me that the deal has changed. Now, this doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but he is breastfed, and doesn’t take a bottle or pacifier. He refuses both. It is going to make him miserable to go to daycare, and I’m not sure I can do that to him. I was just about ready to decide to quit my job, and stay home with him for awhile. Then the bottom fell out.

Hubby is having hernia surgery at the end of the month. He will be off of work for 4-6 wks unpaid. Now, I’m not sure if the rest of you have a completely disposable income in your budget, but we don’t. Especially his. He makes the majority of the money in our household. Ick. Bad timing, but when is it ever good timing?

So, I can’t quit, and I can’t stay. I don’t know what the answer is. Yesterday, I decided that maybe I would approach my boss about putting my son in daycare in the afternoons for a month and still have him in the mornings. Less time away from me, and give him time to adjust. Also let him get a little older and start eating solids. I suppose it is an option, but I know he is going to be miserable. That doesn’t even touch the problem of trying to pay the added expense of daycare with half the money. Not good. Not a good combination at all for stress management.

In the meantime, I keep eating m&m’s and fast food and soda. Getting more and more stressed because then I don’t feel good either. The bad thing is it doesn’t FIX anything!! I know this, but my emotional eater is fighting me. I’m losing the battle right now, and I hate that. I’ve been winning. I’ve come through a lot of stuff since the beginning, and I’ve still been winning. Now, not so much.

I think I’m going to try Rae’s approach. I think she is seeing what I need to see too. I need to take care of me and love me first. For the time being, I’m not going to focus on the weight. It isn’t working right now. I need to focus on quitting the self destruction I’m doing right now with my bad mental state. It’s going to all be about me for awhile. I need a lil lovin’.

I’m not exactly sure how to explain this. I have a serious hangup with success with weight loss. If I get on a roll, it scares me that I might actually do this. I have mentioned this briefly before jokingly, but it is sort of true too. I have never broken 200 lbs since I had my first son (14 yrs). I’ve come close before, but I get scared and quit, I guess.

I’ve lost over 30 lbs now since having my baby in May. That’s not counting the pregnancy weight that I lost directly after his birth. For the most part, I don’t think about the big weight loss. If I do, I start getting scared, so I just try not to think about it. I only focus on each week and my loss/gain for the week. I must say that losing weight while breastfeeding is waaaaayyyyy easier than I thought it would be. I’ve always had to struggle to lose, but with that little added bonus, it rocks. It does have its drawbacks because I have to be careful to be nutrionally safe for the baby. I have to drink lots and lots of water. Making milk burns it up!! I can’t do diet drugs, shakes, or fad diets. Only one way to lose weight while breastfeeding. Eating a healthy, balanced diet and exercise. Sucks huh?

I’m just about ready to kiss the 220’s goodbye forever. I think that is what is making me nervous. That is starting to get dangerously close to onederland. That is JUST one more mini-goal and I am on the other side of the BIG number! I’m excited that I’m making progress. I’m feeling pretty good. I’m feeling in control (which is unusual). As long as I don’t focus TOO much on the total progress, I can keep going. I guess this whole thing is such a mental game!!

Oh, brag rights.. I haven’t had fast food for… 6 days or so now!! Woohooo!! Eating at home is soooo much healthier for my body and mind!